Yoga and grief

Everyone’s journey to yoga takes them on a very different path, and for many, this path is quite rocky, decorated by potholes, climbing over cliffs and interrupted by rivers you have to cross, sometimes walking up to your chin in freezing water.

My journey with yoga started somehow already in school when in a PE class an enthusiast teacher led us through a series of camel and baby poses. However, it wasn’t until I literally fell from the sky that yoga fully entered my life. I wanted to fly and so I learned paragliding, but instead of a pilot license, I got a rough landing and three broken vertebrae. It was a determination to walk again, and run and not let this experience break me, that brought me a speedy recovery and then led my steps to a Bikram studio. I always believed in a rehabilitation power of yoga and at that time the connection of heat and yoga was just perfect. For years after I slowly entered into the yoga world, discovering different styles and falling in love with what yoga did to my body. My love for the practice grew, it allowed me to be there and then, connected to my body, to my breath. it allowed me to stop hating my body (a phase that I believe all young women go through and many never leave) and I started teaching from time to time. I knew that I know so little and have to learn more and so I finally decided that it’s time to take my practice to the next level and go for a Yoga teacher training. I found one and registered, but then I got an amazing job offer and decided to cancel to go for the job. And then my mum’s cancer got worse, spreading into her brain, so I left the job and went home. Five months later she passed away and I was devastated. Yoga was there with me on that journey of me supporting her in her final weeks, but then… then there was nothing. My mum was 51-year-old Wonderwoman and healer, who did everything right, meditated, understood the world in a much larger context than the majority of people, she ate well, helped to heal thousands of others, but couldn’t help herself overcome cancer.

And then, two months after her passing, I found myself on a yoga teacher training in Mallorca. My heart full of grief, guilt and pain. One of my teachers, with whom I studied before, recommended chanting Akaal daily, so I did. Every day I would climb up on the roof of one of the buildings and chant and cry. The wonderful thing of going to a YTT is that everyone usually comes there with a crazy and profound story and so there is this amazing support group that forms. And another wonderful thing is the amount of time you spend in practice. Again and again, all you need to do is show up, even though sometimes that is hard to do, showing up and allowing the practice to swallow you was something that allowed me to find the calm spot and wait for the emotions and grief to come, feel every last bit of it and let it pass through me.

Although I had my belief of what happens to souls after death; and although I did feel an ensuring calmness and certainty that everything is OK with her now; I couldn/t say I was surer or more certain about where she is or what is it that happens. I thought it would be easier to connect, to feel her presence or have discussions in my head with her, but so far it hasn’t and maybe this will come with time.

I cannot say that the pain has gone away, or that it ever fully will. It’s the lack of future possibilities, things that you haven’t said and know you never will, occasions she will never attend, that cause the most pain to me. But in the past months, apart from the loved ones that held me above the water, yoga did provide me with very special support, every time I showed up, there was a message for me, in the practice, in the words of the teacher, inside of my own Self.

Here are some of the practices and techniques my teachers have passed on me:

– Show up for your practice – even if it just means lying in savasana or sobbing in a fetus pose, do show up. I loved that my teacher said: you can cry or laugh in my classes, its all the same to me. Yoga can be just a physical exercise, but if you want it or not, the movements of your body will impact your mental and emotional state as well. I cannot say that only gentle techniques are useful for grieving, although it might be soothing and relaxing to go for slow Yin class, I found active and dynamic classes very helpful as well, opening up your body, taking your mind away from your problems and helping you release all emotional tension. Find a balance if you can. But whatever you do, do show up and then let the practice take you where you need to be.
– You don’t have to do it by yourself – for me grieving is very private and for a long time, I felt like I need to go through all my issues and emotions by myself, that I am the only one, who can find a resolve. Although I do still believe its true and we all have answers within ourselves, opening up to others is a truly important part of the process. Especially if you have people around you, who are also grieving for the same person, or going through another traumatic experience, them helping you, is in reality also helping themselves. Allow others the opportunity to show up and be there for you. Yes, you can do it by yourself, but you don’t have to.
– Akaal – its a mantra that means immortal or timeless-one. Traditionally it is chanted 3 times upon the passing of a loved one and it is helping the transition of the soul towards the light. I found this version of Akaal song that I found incredibly powerful and helpful to my process of grieving. As I know chanting mantras isn’t for everyone, even just listening to it brought me great relief.
– Write a letter – we all have things unsaid that are left after a person we love passes away. If they remain unsaid they will continue influencing your life in a way you might not wish to continue. One of my teachers taught us the benefits of writing letters. Take days, maybe even weeks or longer, and put everything down, all the little things, all the negative and the positive, all the painful experiences as well as gratefulness for your life. Once this letter is finished, go to a place this person liked or would like and read the whole letter aloud. And then burn it, or bury it. There is no value of keeping things inside you, grievances that may take their own life, grow and influence your mental and physical health and turn into diseases.
– Make time for your grief – I realized there is hardly any set time that you will stop feeling upset about your loss. But what I found helpful is that whenever I did start feeling bad, I created space and time and allowed myself to step into my grief and pain, cry, sob, curl up, or do anything that felt appropriate. I know this is not possible in all situations, and sometimes we have to stop the emotion and put it away, but I learned how important it is to then unpack it and go through it when time and space allows. Months or even years might have passed since, but it is still ok to cry sometimes because the loss is still there.
– What to do with guilt – I believe guilt is a very strong part of loss and grief. No matter how great or not great you were to those ones you lost, you will most likely always feel guilty for doing this or not doing that, for saying something wrong or not saying anything at all. When my mum passed away I felt so much guilt it was paralyzing at times. I believed if I had done things differently, supported her in a different way, maybe she could combat her disease. I felt guilty for not saying certain things. I felt guilty for wanting to leave her side to do other things in those last weeks. No matter what other people tell you and how irrational the feeling of guilt might be, it is hard not to feel that way. And I will just say, it is ok to feel guilty. If you write the letter as suggested above, write about your guilt. No, it is not rational to feel it, but it’s normal. Guilt is part of grief, so accept it.
– Make time for your joy – it is ok to be happy and laugh even though you lost someone. Yes, it will make you feel guilty sometimes. But that is ok. It is a cliche to say this, but whomever you lost would love to see you happy and smiling. You are here and they are not. But YOU are HERE. No matter how much you need to grief and hurt, eventually your life will come back to you with the same, sometimes even greater intensity.
– Learn from your loss – yes, life might become more intense now, priorities rearrange. I often look at the life I led before and the life of my mum. What can I change now, do, learn, feel, open myself to – to use all those life lessons and experiences I already saw unraveled in my or her life, not to repeat patterns that don’t need to be repeated. This, like any other experience in life, is an opportunity to learn and grow.